Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Riding the Waves

Hello friends,

It's been too long, I know... I have been thinking of you and I have wanted to write, but couldn't sit myself in front of my computer. 

I have been.... struggling. Struggling a lot with life. Riding the waves of my emotions up and down. They go up and down throughout the day. Sometimes I'm plummeting to my doom and then other times I am rising up. I remember the strong and amazing person I was and still am. I remember that I am and have always been that person. That I don't need another person's support to remember that about myself, but sometimes..... I forget. I get stuck again in that struggle.

That is where my art is. Strangely stuck in that place where it should bring me healing and peace to create, but it's the opposite. I sit down to work. Everything feels weird. It reminds me of the past life I had as a fulltime lampworker where now I have to work a regular job in a warehouse as my main work. I sit down to try to create and try to turn on music and the same music that made me feel on top of the world makes me want to cry. I look at the ipad and phone that I used to receive messages on while I worked and it stares back at me with a blank stare. All of these things flood in as I tired to sit and create. I made myself at least sit for a half hour and when things feel like too much. I get up, turn everything off and leave the house. 

It's hard that all of the things that brought me so much joy and comfort are feeling strange and foreign to me. My lampworking, my hooping, my music. Things that brought me so much joy, growth, fulfillment. It just feels weird. I am trying to power through it and just force myself to face these things until they feel normal and good again, but I am struggling. 

So what happened between now and my last post? Well as you know I am in the process of a divorce that began in mid July. In that time I had a close friend that turned into a whirlwind passion filled romance for it to have ended just as magically as it began. As you can imagine that plunged me back into the sadness I didn't fully face at the beginning of my parting with my partner of 12 years. All of those emotions I was too distracted face came flooding in x2. I was devastated... again, but if you know anything about me... you know what a determined person I am. 

I signed up for a divorce care class at a local church and signed up for a therapist as well. So 2 nights of my week I seek healing through these places to "make me well" again as I call it. I hate being in this place of feeling so out of sorts, weak, and lost. I want to find the fastest exit the FUCK out of here and onto life where things feel "normal" again and things are back into place. 


In this strange new space I am alone for the first time in many years and by alone I just mean that  really all I have is myself. This is a new thing for me. I think somewhere along my life I missed this growth I was supposed to have inbetween 18-24. Some lost space after highschool and into my "college years". So the universe has seen fit to throw me back into that mindset to do the growth that I missed out on. My therapist put it so well. She told me excitedly that I get to do this with a more wise self on this journey. I guess it's like that thought process of "If the me that I was in highschool could talk to the me I am now" kind of thing. I dunno.


All I know is that this new space is so different. So... well.. new. It should be exciting, but at the moment it's kind of terrifying. It's that whole fear of the unknown thing I have, I guess. The thing where I am terrified of all bodies of water where you can't see the bottom. 

I am trying to have a new positive perspective on life, but as all things learning new thought pathways takes time for them to stick. I do realize that on this path I will get to not only re-discover the sleeping beauty that lies within, I will be able to build her stronger, and more beautiful that she has ever been. She will be a force with which to be reckoned, she will shine so much light that when she walks in a room the whole room will turn to her and feel her presence. She will be one of the most amazing people I have ever met. She will make the most beautiful art anyone has ever seen. She is in here healing and coming closer to the surface day by day. 

11 comments:

Robin Z said...

Learning to grow; Having patience with yourself while on this journey; Finding out who you are and how you fit into this world; Creating the life that allows you to be you. I wish this and more for you - today, tomorrow, always. You'll find your way. You'll get there. And those people, thoughts, desires, goals, and more that really matter, will be there when you arrive. <3

shewlfe said...

Oh girlio! We've never net, I'm not sure I've purchased from you before or not but I know I have seen your art and love it! I've been where you are...divorce, deaths (including the suicide of my only son) moving, job changes, moving, job changes, failed relationships again and again....you WILL get through this and don't feel like you have to "power" through it, force it or are on some kind of time table. Grieve girl! Self love, self care and live one damn second at a time...then those turn into 10 seconds, then an hr then hours then weeks, then days and before you know it? Your happy (not perfect) but good! Sometimes good is enough 😉

Rebecca said...

I"m so sorry Genea, that you are going through all this shit. Give yourself time and space to grieve. One step at a time. Thinking of you x x x

Firefly Design Studio said...

Life is not easy but you are facing the challenge and will come out the other side a shining star! Your art is beautiful and brings inspiration to the designer using your beads. I got divorced at age 25 while pregnant with my second son and it made me a stronger, take no BS kind of chick.

Karen Z said...

Life is hard, sometimes. And my reaction to those rough spots (and there have been many) is to despair, then--unfeeling-- to renew and heal. Lick your wounds, rest up, and imagine that the best is yet to come. Trite, to be sure. But true enough. Healing and re-inventing is hard work. It's natural to be tired and feel 'uninspired'. Lots of love and light to ya!

Linda said...

You are on the way to healing and growth. You will get there. The journey is worth it. <3

Suzanne Harrison said...

It seems you are doing remarkable well, considering what you've been through! (And you are a very good writer, btw, as well as a fine artist.) I especially love the thoughts you expressed in the last paragraph and I am rooting for you!

Unknown said...

Genea, You can do this, You are strong, a talented artist, and I believe in you.
Remember when our friend was going through a tough time, she made it, and married her soul mate.
Still going through struggles with cancer but is strong and each day she pushes through.
We Pray for each other, and If she knows what you are going through, I am sure she will pray for you, as I do.
You have your friends and family to help you through this. Stay Strong my Friend

Julie Wong Sontag said...

Aw, Genea! You are going to do it! You're a strong, inspiring woman. Your soul needs time to grieve the loss of old dreams and plans, and grief tends to put a serious damper on creativity. I speak from experience, having gone through some times in life I didn't think I would make it through. But time heals - one foot in front of the other. One day you'll wake up and think 'Dang. I have come a LONG way since then....' and you'll be overwhelmed by the joyful beauty of possibilitiy again. Chin up, friend - we're rooting for you. xoxo -- Julie

lunedreams said...

Going through the shit really sucks. A broken heart really does turn you upside down for awhile, but you have what it takes to come through it even wiser and more unshakable. You're doing all the most important things--letting yourself grieve when you need to, getting help from others when you need it, and believing "this too shall pass" and there are even greater things in store for you. Your joys and passions will return--I've experienced that kind of "dead inside" feeling after heartbreak, and I think it's normal that deep grief temporarily hides those things away. (Working full time at a "day job" doesn't make that any easier either--you're just tapped out at the end of the day). Your happy places will return!! Keep doing what you're doing, you'll get there. (And ditto what shewlfe said about not feeling like you need to power through it--let yourself grieve at your own pace.)

Sharyl said...

I'm so sorry for this very rough spot in your life, Genea, and that you find it negatively impacting how you feel about your art. I've never been through a divorce, so I can only imagine how devastating that is, but I've had a rough year health-wise. It used to be that I wanted to spend all the time I could on jewelry-making. This year I've struggled to keep a few things in the store. I used to be so excited, and now I'm mostly exhausted and just want to rest. I don't say these things to take away from your pain, but to let you know I sympathize and empathize with you. I've seen your note on FB that you are having a better day today, and I'm so very glad for that! I'm wishing you many more good days! Hugs to you! --Sharyl

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