It's been too long, I know... I have been thinking of you and I have wanted to write, but couldn't sit myself in front of my computer.
I have been.... struggling. Struggling a lot with life. Riding the waves of my emotions up and down. They go up and down throughout the day. Sometimes I'm plummeting to my doom and then other times I am rising up. I remember the strong and amazing person I was and still am. I remember that I am and have always been that person. That I don't need another person's support to remember that about myself, but sometimes..... I forget. I get stuck again in that struggle.
That is where my art is. Strangely stuck in that place where it should bring me healing and peace to create, but it's the opposite. I sit down to work. Everything feels weird. It reminds me of the past life I had as a fulltime lampworker where now I have to work a regular job in a warehouse as my main work. I sit down to try to create and try to turn on music and the same music that made me feel on top of the world makes me want to cry. I look at the ipad and phone that I used to receive messages on while I worked and it stares back at me with a blank stare. All of these things flood in as I tired to sit and create. I made myself at least sit for a half hour and when things feel like too much. I get up, turn everything off and leave the house.
It's hard that all of the things that brought me so much joy and comfort are feeling strange and foreign to me. My lampworking, my hooping, my music. Things that brought me so much joy, growth, fulfillment. It just feels weird. I am trying to power through it and just force myself to face these things until they feel normal and good again, but I am struggling.
So what happened between now and my last post? Well as you know I am in the process of a divorce that began in mid July. In that time I had a close friend that turned into a whirlwind passion filled romance for it to have ended just as magically as it began. As you can imagine that plunged me back into the sadness I didn't fully face at the beginning of my parting with my partner of 12 years. All of those emotions I was too distracted face came flooding in x2. I was devastated... again, but if you know anything about me... you know what a determined person I am.
I signed up for a divorce care class at a local church and signed up for a therapist as well. So 2 nights of my week I seek healing through these places to "make me well" again as I call it. I hate being in this place of feeling so out of sorts, weak, and lost. I want to find the fastest exit the FUCK out of here and onto life where things feel "normal" again and things are back into place.
In this strange new space I am alone for the first time in many years and by alone I just mean that really all I have is myself. This is a new thing for me. I think somewhere along my life I missed this growth I was supposed to have inbetween 18-24. Some lost space after highschool and into my "college years". So the universe has seen fit to throw me back into that mindset to do the growth that I missed out on. My therapist put it so well. She told me excitedly that I get to do this with a more wise self on this journey. I guess it's like that thought process of "If the me that I was in highschool could talk to the me I am now" kind of thing. I dunno.
All I know is that this new space is so different. So... well.. new. It should be exciting, but at the moment it's kind of terrifying. It's that whole fear of the unknown thing I have, I guess. The thing where I am terrified of all bodies of water where you can't see the bottom.
I am trying to have a new positive perspective on life, but as all things learning new thought pathways takes time for them to stick. I do realize that on this path I will get to not only re-discover the sleeping beauty that lies within, I will be able to build her stronger, and more beautiful that she has ever been. She will be a force with which to be reckoned, she will shine so much light that when she walks in a room the whole room will turn to her and feel her presence. She will be one of the most amazing people I have ever met. She will make the most beautiful art anyone has ever seen. She is in here healing and coming closer to the surface day by day.