Thursday, February 2, 2017

A purge to let the healing and light in.

I awoke today feeling like I needed to make peace with my sister. So I just began writing. I let the words pour out and unfold here. I let the pour out just like they did in my head and left them to just come out whichever way they did and not worry about if they made sense. Just like leaving a page to my journal open. Raw emotion just getting the things in my head and in my heart out in words on a screen. I just needed to purge these places in my soul and allow for light and healing to come in....

I just wanted to tell you that I am sorry for hurting you. I felt very hurt and rejected when you and mom had unfriended me on facebook. I feel like unfriend is pretty aggressive when you can just unfollow someone if you don't want to see their feed. I noticed it around the time of my birthday and it hurt that much more. So from that point on I decided to push the family away so that I no longer had to be hurt by feeling rejected, unloved, or unappreciated. It broke my heart really. After you have had 2 "forever's" leave your life and then feel rejected or just like you don't fit in with your family I felt very alone. They say when you don't have anyone else you can always count on your family. I didn't feel like that was true anymore. Over the years I have felt disconnected from the family and like at family events things were forced and not everyone wanted to be there, but were there by obligation. I hated feeling that way and I didn't want anyone to feel that way about being at my birthday or any other event. I wanted people to genuinely be there because they wanted to. I had this dream of what I felt like family and family relationships were supposed to look like. When we were growing up I felt close to you until you turned about 16. I remember you used to come down the stairs to my room in the basement and we would hang out when you got home from school. I don't remember the exact day when that stopped, but I had realized you were growing up and that you were ready to hang out with your friends instead of me. I was sad, but understand how growing up goes. I thought about the relationship I had dreamed of having with you as a sister where we were the best of friends, where we knew each other's secrets and we would always be able to count on each other and be there for each other through everything. I thought to myself how lucky I was to have a sister that could be my best friend and how some people had always dreamed of having a sister. My heart was broken when I had accepted that my dream of how a sister's relationship should be was not going to be the case for us.
I know at one point I felt like you had also wanted a close relationship with me as well, and I can't remember the exact situation, but I remember you talking to me while I was driving in the car crying and wanting to understand why I was being the way I was. I remember feeling sad for hurting you, but I can't remember the rest.
In fact I was broken hearted about how my family relationship wasn't going to be the dream connection I had always hoped it would be too. Where all of us were the closest of friends. Even though there was mom you, and me I never felt like we had balanced relationships with each other. I was close with mom for a very long time until I remember having a conversation with her and telling her something that was going on in my life and feeling judged and like she was disappointed in what I was doing. From that point on I stopped talking with her about the very raw and intimate details of my life. I feel like at that point that is when she began forming a stronger relationship with you. You two bonded and got close and were so much more alike. I felt like it was you two and then me. It seemed like all 3 of use couldn't really always get along all together at the same time so it was just easier to hang out with you two separately. When we were all together I felt like you both sided against me. As time went on I stopped sharing the intimate details of my heart with you as well. I felt like you would understand me sometimes like mom used to, but then other times I felt judged. I wanted to connect so badly and just share my true heart and feelings always, but realized it was unwise to even though I fell back into over sharing my life many times and feeling the same way after. After awhile I just stopped sharing my life with either one of you for fear of judgment.
When I went through my first divorce I remember crying one day to mom in the kitchen and her telling me I just needed to "get over it". It had only been 2 weeks after my split and I was a mess. I had already felt like my whole world had fallen apart and when I went to my family for comfort I was dismissed because I was made to feel like I should be back on to getting on with my life like nothing had happened. that left a big scar for me. If you have never had this happen to you, you can never understand just how abandoned you feel when what you thought would be your forever is suddenly gone, and when you feel like you can lean on your family for support and are rejected by that place of comfort too you feel very alone. I know you all probably did the best you could, and I do appreciate what you did for me. I guess I just needed more support. I can't really put into words what it feels like to feel so out of control with what is going on in your life. I was only 21 and still figuring out my life. Somewhere in growing up I never established a strong sense of self. I am sure some small event in my childhood has caused this feeling, but I am not sure where it started.
A few months later I started dating who would become my second husband and dated for 3 long years before deciding on another "forever". At this time I was 24 and once again had felt safe in a relationship that maybe my first husband was just my "practice husband" and that I was comfortable to settle into my new life. After 9 years of being married and 12 years of being together I was wrong. I knew we were drifting apart, but I didn't expect our relationship would just suddenly end. I thought that while I was having a big period of growth in my life I could still grow and be in my marriage. I was wrong. As much as I see now that it was a good thing to be separated from that life it hit me hard. Again, I had to start over, which I had told myself from my first marriage I would never let this happen to me again(where I wouldn't be established on my own so if a split did happen I would be able to take care of myself). I let my glass business fall to the wayside while I scrambled to get a job so I could afford to live. I got a shitty car and got a roommate. I made some desperate decisions as I scrambled to get my life expenses taken care of.
I fell back to the family for support and got some, but I still struggled and felt alone. Again  I appreciated what was done for me, but I felt like you all felt like I was being a burden or needed too much help. Again, if you have not been through a divorce or even 2 it is hard to even comprehend what that feels like and what it is to go through all this. I didn't feel like anyone understood me or what I was going through. I felt like maybe if there was more of an understanding I would have received more compassion. I didn't want to have to ask for things or ask for help, but I was desperate and had to ask many, many times. I was never trying to take advantage of anyone and appreciated all the help I received.
I had appreciated you offering to help me have a safe place to get my life together at your place, but then felt as if I had accepted that I would almost be treated like a child having so many rules and expectations. I didn't want to burden you or mom, and that is how I felt. If the situation would have been reversed I would have just done things differently. I would have let you all stay with me for sure whatever the situation was even if I only had a mattress to offer you on which to sleep with no time frame of leaving. When all of your life is changing and you feel like you can't count on anything in your life staying the same it's hard to make a promise you can stick to if you don't even know how much you will earn or how long it will take you to get established on your own starting with nothing.  I would have fed you meals(which you did and I appreciated), cried with you, held you and let you fall apart, talked with you for hours, helped you look for jobs and apply until you had found work,  just been there to help you transition. I know everyone has their separate lives and family, but know that I am always here for you in whatever life situation I am in. Even if I don't have much, I will always be here and give you whatever I can. Know how much you are loved and that I will not pass judgment on whatever your situation is, but welcome you with loving arms.
I'm not perfect. I have given up trying to be. I am just human trying to do the best I can with what I have. I am sorry I was not in Ayla's life like you had envisioned the perfect aunt to be. My life was transitioning and falling apart and I barely had any energy to function myself, much less be the amazing aunt I had wished to be or that you had hoped I would be. I love her I'm sad she doesn't know me and that I have not been in her life as she has grown up. I am just a stranger to her. I never wanted that, but if I am not close with you, I can't be close with her either. After awhile I just gave up. Maybe I just needed to accept this was not my place in life. That maybe I was born into the family, but it wasn't my true place. It broke my heart. Cancer's are all about family and relationships, but I can't force what isn't mine to have. So I have just tried to accept and look for the place where I belong.
I have no expectations from this message. I just felt like you deserved to know what happened or know what was in my heart if it was something that you had wished to know. I just needed to write this to you for me so that I can make peace in my heart. I do love you. I never stopped. I just didn't want to hurt so I just removed myself.
In this time of transition from my first two lifetimes to my third, you would think one would fall back on the things they love for comfort and healing in a time of loss and transition, but the things that I loved and that gave me comfort only furthered my sadness. I couldn't listen to music, hula hoop, or make glass. I am still having a hard time going back to hooping and glass. I don't know what makes me feel stuck there. Maybe the fear of failing at not being able to make a living at glass? Just how much has changed in the glass business world or feeling like I have lost all of my following of people? Feeling like if I go back to glass that I am just revisiting my past?
A few months later I connected with my newest love and felt happy again. I felt like I was put in the path of a person that was in a similar part of their life as me. I felt like my younger self that didn't develop between the ages of 18-24 was connected with a person of a similar age of where I needed to do some repairs and  growth. I feel a connection like I have never felt before with any of the other partners in my life. I feel a true soul connection. A soul connection that is the other half whole half of my soul, my twin flame soul mate. As wonderful as it is to be connected with my souls reflection I am still growing and still redefining myself. I still feel lost in ways and eager to heal all of the hurts in my life from my childhood, through my couple lifetimes, and up to now.
I felt like glass was my true calling and my life's purpose, but after taking a break from it and having my following fall away I feel alone again in my business aspect of life. I began to question if this was something I needed to leave behind for my new path, but I don't feel a burning passion for that next new business path like I did when I fell madly in love with glass. I turned to mixed-media and have found much joy in that, but don't really know where to take it now. It's hard to build a new business from the ground up again. This business is different from glass and the ways you build a glass business are slightly different. That and I feel like maybe the way I built my glass business didn't work and maybe I need to try different things to re-build the glass and merge it with the mixed-media. I feel like this round it's just me and there is something terrifying about just thinking everything all depends on me and I am the only one that can do this. Why is this so scary this time? I have done this before and been successful with it. When did I stop trusting myself and knowing I am capable of anything I can dream up? I hate the job I am in now just to make a paycheck so why the hell am I still there? I have been looking for some stable income jobs while I still created art, but have been finding it hard to balance it all. Being this black and white personality I am either all in our all out. This middle ground is new for me. I guess the universe puts us in the path of growth and this is what I am supposed to be learning now. Maybe all of my leaves have been stripped away to just me so that I will truly learn to count and depend on myself and know that I can do this? I am so fortunate to be in a place of being able to grow and develop in myself, but also be with my partner at the same time. He has helped me to grow so much. He has not just dove in to help me get things figured out, but has pushed me out into a space and allowed me to trust myself and figure things out. Where I just want to hold onto his hand and be shy, he is helping me to trust in my development and being there to celebrate my triumphs with me.

I have developed and grown so much in this last year and a half. Spiritual growth and enlightenment and has been a lonely place, but necessary. I have had the opportunity to feel the new vibration and higher frequency at which I am resonating. I smile when I get to receive the love and light I give out reflected back at me and to understand how I make the people around me feel. It lets me know I am growing into myself and becoming my greatest version. I still have so much to learn and so much more growing to do. I have lots of things to figure out, but I guess I get closer and closer to them every day. I feel like all is coming together, but has not completely come into focus yet . I am so eager for all things to connect and understand how all of the things I have experienced have brought me to this moment I am in now. 


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